Pantheon

In the first of a series of Yuletide specials, Jonah and Teddy discuss their favourite Christmas songs.

"You really are a hypocrite, you know that don't you?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well you're always saying how much you hate Christmas and giving it all that 'Bah Humbug' nonsense, but it's only the fourth of December and you've put the Christmas tree up." Teddy explained.

"Err, not really Teddy, I just arranged all those empty Stella bottles into the shape of a tree because there was nowhere else to put them. The recycling boxes are full, someone keeps filling them up with magazines they bought for tuppence on E-bay."

"Oh right. Well, it's not just that. Every morning you come down and turn the tv on and tune straight into Christmas songs on VH1 or whatever."

"The reason for that, Teddy, is that there is ch*ff-all else on the music channels and until England start playing the tests, watching India scoring 300 for 1 on a featherbed pitch is akin to watching paint dry."

"Pull the other one," Teddy laughed. "You've been spending too long reading Atherton's columns in the Times, as usual. You know, I reckon you like some of these songs."

"What like bl**dy Last Christmas by Wham? The reason I don't smoke is because I'd probably throw the ashtray at the tv every time that s*dding song comes on. Makes me want to vomit I tell you."

"Me too and I'm only a stuffed toy."

"And as for Merry Christmas Everbody that should be banned from the airwaves this year if you ask me. Like someone who has lost their job, had their house repossessed and seen their kids put into care is going to be 'having fun' and 'looking to the future'." Jonah was becoming increasingly passionate about this subject.

"No, and you won't be 'hanging a stocking on the wall' either will you? Although there's every chance one might stick to the wall."

"Shut it!"

"Alright, alright. But you must admit, some of these are quite catchy."

"Well, Fairy Tale of New York is pretty good. Although A New England is still Kirsty MacColl's best work."

"That's one of the best Christmas songs." Teddy concurred. "Even your friend Lulu says so."

"I know. And what about that one about Stopping the Cavalry?"

"Ah yes, Jona Lewie. And he spells his name without an 'h' so you've been spelling it wrong all this time I reckon."

"Alright." Jonah sighed. "And what else shall we place in the pantheon of great Christmas songs? I reckon Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses."

"That's good too. But I still think 2000 Miles by the Pretenders is the best Christmas song ever."

"You know Teddy, I think we've finally agreed on something. Cheers." Jonah raised his glass and took a sip of (3 bottles for £10 in Tescos) Cava.

There was a knock on the door. Elena entered.

"Hello Jonah, I found something in one of my drawers. I think you must have left it." She said passing Jonah an enormous 16-cd pack entitled "The Best Christmas Songs Ever".

"Don't say anything." Jonah sighed.