Cast pearls before swine

"Oh for God's sake, I don't bl**dy believe it!" Jonah said, nearly falling off the rickety stool that constituted his desk chair.

"What's the matter, have you just found out that another of your supposed celebrity facebook friends is in fact a fake profile?"

"NoTeddy, that one of Stacey from Eastenders is definitely real... actually I was just looking at the film times at the Cineworld for next week and they have finally decided to show An Education over the weekend."

"Really? I thought that was released months ago?"

"Exactly, it was, and in the end I gave up hoping it might ever be shown at the Cineworld and so went to see at the Empire on a cheap Tuesday instead. Four pounds bl**dy fifty that cost me! Do I look like I've got four and a half quid to spare?" Jonah said, taking a slurp of his wine.

"That bottle of cheap plonk probably cost you about that." Teddy said archly.

"Three bottles for ten pounds in Asda. Anyway, that's not the point. No doubt I shall use my Cineworld pass to avail myself of the chance to make a repeat viewing, but I'm sick of living in the cultural desert that is Swinetown."

Teddy shook his head. "So what's the big deal about this film anyway?"

Jonah rolled his eyes. "Teddy. It's been one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Based on a memoir by Lynn Barber, with the screenplay written by Nick Hornby. With a stunning debut performance by Carey Mulligan and supporting roles played by Emma Thompson, Alfred Molina and Rosamund Pike et al. It's going to sweep the board at the Baftas next year, you mark my words."

"And are you sure it's not the fact that it's about some old bloke who preys on girls half his age that only resonates with you?"

"Very funny. No, the reason they don't show it in Swinetown is because the people who live here would rather go and watch some dogsh*t like 2012 or the new Twilight film. Showing An Education here would be like casting pearls before swine."

"Well I've got bad news for you," Teddy chortled. "It isn't just the residents of Swinetown who have no appreciation of culture, it's the whole country. I heard on the news they want to release a single of the x-factor winner singing a cover version of Journey's Don't Stop Believing in time to make the Christmas number one!"

The colour drained from Jonah's face. "No Teddy," he pleaded. "Tell me that's not true!"

Teddy nodded, smiling to himself as he took in Jonah's anguish and torment.

"But that song is sacred. We used to sing it in our students' union after eight pints of snakepint and black." Jonah sobbed. "It's no good, I can't take it any more."

Jonah grabbed the carving knife from the kitchen table and plunged it into his jugular vein.

"Oh my God," Teddy screamed, leaping to his feet and placing a bowl on the floor where Jonah's blood was gushing from his neck. "You could have warned me you were going to do this! I can make a fortune selling this to Lulu!"