Annexation

"So are you feeling confident?" Teddy asked.

"What do you mean?" Jonah asked, tucking into a large slize of pizza. As he had once again subjected himself to the weekly torture that is the track, unlike some of the people on the distribution list for this work of genius, he knew he deserved it.

"Surely you should be in pole position for this years Sports Personality of the Year award for your efforts in the marathon? Oh sorry, I forgot, they only give it to someone who actually has a personality."

"You know what Teddy, your name is rapidly disappearing from my Christmas Card list. Or at least, it would be if had written one, or planned to send any."

"Do you see my point?"

"I don't send them on principle Teddy, they only make the card companies rich. Seriously though, who do you think should win this year?"

"Maybe your friend Lulu should be given it? Seeing as she is 'down with the cool kids' at the gym. Apparently all your friends speak to her there, and some have even thrown their cred to the wind, and added her on facebook."

"That's because they know she works with me. She is cool by association, Teddy."

"They feel incredibly sorry for her you mean."

"Maybe. But what do you reckon to the list?" Jonah picked up the copy of The Times (as befitted a man of his superior intellect) and studied the names in the article on the subject.

"Who the h*ll i's Jenson Button? With a name like that he sounds like a character from a kids' tv programme." Jonah said incredulously.

"Think he's a racing driver."

"Well that rules him out. I mean, all they do is sit behind the wheel of a car and drive really fast. Imagine the damage I'll be able to do when I get my hands on an Aston Martin."

"Remind me to bring a spare nappy. Hey, what about Andy Murray?"

"What, the angry Scottish kid? Do me a favour. He hasn't even won Wimbledon yet, and when he does he'll probably tell everyone he's Scottish, not British."

"Well we all know who you want to win, don't we Jonah? Not that you said anything about Jessica Ennis' personality when you had your shorts around your ankles, watching her win the heptathlon."

"It was a warm day. And yes, she did very well, coming back from injury and all that, but for me there's only one winner."

"And who might that be?"

"Well it's obvious isn't it? The man who was largely responsible for England's annexation of the Ashes. Andrew Strauss."

"Him? I thought he was a bit of a boring b*stard. He never went out on a massive bender and w**d in Gordon Brown's rose bushes like Freddie did four years ago."

"That's my point Teddy, he went about the job in a calm and collected manner. He single-handedly rescued the sinking ship that was the England team after the Moores-Pietersen imbroglio, and has led from the front with his batting. Forget Freddie's bowling at Lords; it was Strauss' century on the first day that set up England's first win there against the old enemy for 75 years."

It was Teddy's turn to look incredulous. "B***er me", he said. "This is actually turning into a serious word of the day, isn't it?"

"Well, he was turned down for the captaincy twice - both times to the wrong man. If I were him I'd have told the ECB to get stuffed, but he has been suitably magnanimous and done the job so far with great aplomb. And as titillating as it was to see Jessica win gold, the Ashes is the only thing any of our national teams have won this year that actually means anything. Why do you think the government wants the Ashes back on terrestrial TV?"

"F**k me Jonah," Teddy said, aghast. "For the first time I can't fault you. Let's hope everyone else thinks the same and votes for Straussy on Sunday."

"And don't forget," Jonah said, desperate to make his point. "A couple of years ago he was dropped from the team so instead of taking his bat home he went away, worked on his game and came back a better player. You don't do that without having some ticker."

"And he was the only player on either side to score two hundreds in the wonderful 2005 Ashes series."

"You know Teddy, it seems all my efforts to educate you have not been wasted. Now let's see if I can do the same to everyone else. VOTE ANDREW STRAUSS!!!"

"Actually, I think they should give it to Thierry Henry."

"Oh do be quiet Teddy."