"Well Teddy," Jonah said. "Here we are again. Christmas Eve and it's just the two of us."
"Yeah, well, shame Elena decided to go back to Italy." Teddy said, taking a sip of imaginary white wine from his imaginary glass. "What are you going to do without the free pizza? You might end up having to call Domino's. Remind me to take cover when you pull out your wallet and the moths fly out."
"Very funny. No I stuffed some of the goodies from the office in a Sainsburys bag while no one was looking. We should have enough to last the evening."
"Well that's good; last I heard they don't do ham and cheese toasties in Foxtrots."
"Give it a rest will you? Pass me the tv magazine and let's see what's on the box."
Jonah picked up the copy of tv choice from the coffee table. "Oh look, my facebook friend on the front cover." He said, showing off to his distribution list.
"Yeah well, even if you are one of only 160 friends she still blanked out the registration number of her car so stalkers like you can't see it."
"How about Men Behaving Badly Christmas Special?" Jonah said, ignoring Teddy's last comment.
"We don't need to watch Men Behaving Badly, we've been living it in this house since 1996. Or at least we did, until you stopped buying cans of Stella and started drinking white wine like a big girl. Aren't there any decent Christmas films on?"
"Decent Christmas films?" Jonah said, incredulously. "Well there's an oxymoron if ever there was one. There's no such thing as a decent Christmas film, Teddy."
"So what's that copy of It's A Wonderful Life doing on your bookshelf?"
"It came as a freebie from one of my mail order companies years ago."
"Yeah right! Like the companies who advertise in the back pages of the News of The World send out copies of It's A Wonderful Life with bulk orders for adult films!"
"It was from a company called Black Star. They sent it as a Christmas present for being a loyal customer."
"Then surely they'd have known Snow White and the Seven D*ldos would be more your scene? And if I'm not mistaken, that is a copy of Love Actually on the shelf above."
"Well that's not really a Christmas film is it? Just a very good Richard Curtis rom-com which happens to be set at Christmas time."
"Not that you noticed when you saw it at the cinema. You were too busy ogling Miss Knightley. I hope we're not going to end up homeless and destitute, now that she's in a West End show. I hate to think how many times you'll go and see it"
"No Teddy, I've got some, ahem, savings put aside for that." Jonah said, checking he had hidden the shotgun used in the robbery on Commercial Road earlier.
"Well if there's one Christmas film you will like, it's on BBC2 now." Teddy said, pointing at the TV listings.
"Scrooge? Well that's a classic Dickens tale. How could anyone not like it?"
"Surprised they haven't asked you to play the main character," Teddy laughed. "You wouldn't even have to act, just be your normal tight-fisted self."
"Bob Cratchit more like, on my salary. Except at least he didn't have to work with loud women who made his life a misery."
"I'll grant you that, you poor b*stard," Teddy said, raising his imaginary glass and clinking it with Jonah's. "The fact that you've kept your sense of humour and are still writing these emails says an awful lot about you. Tell you what, as a special treat, why don't you watch your favourite film of all time? You know the one with Michael Caine in it."
Jonah's face lit up. "The Italian Job?"
"No, we only watch that on your birthday, remember? The other one."
"Alright then. You're on." Jonah said.
And with that, the two best friends settled back and started their annual viewing of A Muppet Christmas Carol.
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Egregious
"I'm sorry Teddy," Jon said, sobbing. "Your existence is no longer a secret, so I'm sending you away. It's for your own safety."
"But why?" Teddy pleaded.
"Teddy, you know that someone has already broken in and stolen my Sugababes CDs and, ahem, 'grown-up' films, I'm worried they might come after you next. I'm afraid I let it slip that you really exist."
"And how did you manage to do that exactly?"
"Well, as we were driving to the race on Sunday I made the egregious error of telling my running buddies that I had to sleep with the light on after seeing Paranormal Activity. When they jokingly asked about you I said that cuddling up next to you was the only thing that got me to sleep in the end."
"Oh dear. I would have thought you'd have learnt not to see scary movies after you got thrown out of the cinema for staining the seat and stinking out the cinema while watching the Blair Witch Project.."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"And what about the time I found you crying in the front room because an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer had frightened you so much? There were tissues everywhere."
"Actually, Teddy, those were happy tissues."
"Eh?"
At that point there was a knock at the door. Jon's glamorous Italian lodger, Elena, was in the hallway, proffering pizza.
"Hello Jon. I brought some pizza back from the restaurant. Would you like?"
"Oh, yes please."
"And would your friend like some as well?"
"My friend?"
"Yes I heard voices."
"Oh, no I had the radio on," Jon said, helping himself to a large slice. "There's no one else here. I was just tidying my room."
"You lying fat b*st*rd. No wonder you couldn't get a decent time at Downton."
"Oh do be quiet Teddy!" Jon bellowed.
"I think, I go now." Elena said. And with that she turned and fleed from the house.
"But why?" Teddy pleaded.
"Teddy, you know that someone has already broken in and stolen my Sugababes CDs and, ahem, 'grown-up' films, I'm worried they might come after you next. I'm afraid I let it slip that you really exist."
"And how did you manage to do that exactly?"
"Well, as we were driving to the race on Sunday I made the egregious error of telling my running buddies that I had to sleep with the light on after seeing Paranormal Activity. When they jokingly asked about you I said that cuddling up next to you was the only thing that got me to sleep in the end."
"Oh dear. I would have thought you'd have learnt not to see scary movies after you got thrown out of the cinema for staining the seat and stinking out the cinema while watching the Blair Witch Project.."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"And what about the time I found you crying in the front room because an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer had frightened you so much? There were tissues everywhere."
"Actually, Teddy, those were happy tissues."
"Eh?"
At that point there was a knock at the door. Jon's glamorous Italian lodger, Elena, was in the hallway, proffering pizza.
"Hello Jon. I brought some pizza back from the restaurant. Would you like?"
"Oh, yes please."
"And would your friend like some as well?"
"My friend?"
"Yes I heard voices."
"Oh, no I had the radio on," Jon said, helping himself to a large slice. "There's no one else here. I was just tidying my room."
"You lying fat b*st*rd. No wonder you couldn't get a decent time at Downton."
"Oh do be quiet Teddy!" Jon bellowed.
"I think, I go now." Elena said. And with that she turned and fleed from the house.
Cast pearls before swine
"Oh for God's sake, I don't bl**dy believe it!" Jonah said, nearly falling off the rickety stool that constituted his desk chair.
"What's the matter, have you just found out that another of your supposed celebrity facebook friends is in fact a fake profile?"
"NoTeddy, that one of Stacey from Eastenders is definitely real... actually I was just looking at the film times at the Cineworld for next week and they have finally decided to show An Education over the weekend."
"Really? I thought that was released months ago?"
"Exactly, it was, and in the end I gave up hoping it might ever be shown at the Cineworld and so went to see at the Empire on a cheap Tuesday instead. Four pounds bl**dy fifty that cost me! Do I look like I've got four and a half quid to spare?" Jonah said, taking a slurp of his wine.
"That bottle of cheap plonk probably cost you about that." Teddy said archly.
"Three bottles for ten pounds in Asda. Anyway, that's not the point. No doubt I shall use my Cineworld pass to avail myself of the chance to make a repeat viewing, but I'm sick of living in the cultural desert that is Swinetown."
Teddy shook his head. "So what's the big deal about this film anyway?"
Jonah rolled his eyes. "Teddy. It's been one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Based on a memoir by Lynn Barber, with the screenplay written by Nick Hornby. With a stunning debut performance by Carey Mulligan and supporting roles played by Emma Thompson, Alfred Molina and Rosamund Pike et al. It's going to sweep the board at the Baftas next year, you mark my words."
"And are you sure it's not the fact that it's about some old bloke who preys on girls half his age that only resonates with you?"
"Very funny. No, the reason they don't show it in Swinetown is because the people who live here would rather go and watch some dogsh*t like 2012 or the new Twilight film. Showing An Education here would be like casting pearls before swine."
"Well I've got bad news for you," Teddy chortled. "It isn't just the residents of Swinetown who have no appreciation of culture, it's the whole country. I heard on the news they want to release a single of the x-factor winner singing a cover version of Journey's Don't Stop Believing in time to make the Christmas number one!"
The colour drained from Jonah's face. "No Teddy," he pleaded. "Tell me that's not true!"
Teddy nodded, smiling to himself as he took in Jonah's anguish and torment.
"But that song is sacred. We used to sing it in our students' union after eight pints of snakepint and black." Jonah sobbed. "It's no good, I can't take it any more."
Jonah grabbed the carving knife from the kitchen table and plunged it into his jugular vein.
"Oh my God," Teddy screamed, leaping to his feet and placing a bowl on the floor where Jonah's blood was gushing from his neck. "You could have warned me you were going to do this! I can make a fortune selling this to Lulu!"
"What's the matter, have you just found out that another of your supposed celebrity facebook friends is in fact a fake profile?"
"NoTeddy, that one of Stacey from Eastenders is definitely real... actually I was just looking at the film times at the Cineworld for next week and they have finally decided to show An Education over the weekend."
"Really? I thought that was released months ago?"
"Exactly, it was, and in the end I gave up hoping it might ever be shown at the Cineworld and so went to see at the Empire on a cheap Tuesday instead. Four pounds bl**dy fifty that cost me! Do I look like I've got four and a half quid to spare?" Jonah said, taking a slurp of his wine.
"That bottle of cheap plonk probably cost you about that." Teddy said archly.
"Three bottles for ten pounds in Asda. Anyway, that's not the point. No doubt I shall use my Cineworld pass to avail myself of the chance to make a repeat viewing, but I'm sick of living in the cultural desert that is Swinetown."
Teddy shook his head. "So what's the big deal about this film anyway?"
Jonah rolled his eyes. "Teddy. It's been one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Based on a memoir by Lynn Barber, with the screenplay written by Nick Hornby. With a stunning debut performance by Carey Mulligan and supporting roles played by Emma Thompson, Alfred Molina and Rosamund Pike et al. It's going to sweep the board at the Baftas next year, you mark my words."
"And are you sure it's not the fact that it's about some old bloke who preys on girls half his age that only resonates with you?"
"Very funny. No, the reason they don't show it in Swinetown is because the people who live here would rather go and watch some dogsh*t like 2012 or the new Twilight film. Showing An Education here would be like casting pearls before swine."
"Well I've got bad news for you," Teddy chortled. "It isn't just the residents of Swinetown who have no appreciation of culture, it's the whole country. I heard on the news they want to release a single of the x-factor winner singing a cover version of Journey's Don't Stop Believing in time to make the Christmas number one!"
The colour drained from Jonah's face. "No Teddy," he pleaded. "Tell me that's not true!"
Teddy nodded, smiling to himself as he took in Jonah's anguish and torment.
"But that song is sacred. We used to sing it in our students' union after eight pints of snakepint and black." Jonah sobbed. "It's no good, I can't take it any more."
Jonah grabbed the carving knife from the kitchen table and plunged it into his jugular vein.
"Oh my God," Teddy screamed, leaping to his feet and placing a bowl on the floor where Jonah's blood was gushing from his neck. "You could have warned me you were going to do this! I can make a fortune selling this to Lulu!"
Annexation
"So are you feeling confident?" Teddy asked.
"What do you mean?" Jonah asked, tucking into a large slize of pizza. As he had once again subjected himself to the weekly torture that is the track, unlike some of the people on the distribution list for this work of genius, he knew he deserved it.
"Surely you should be in pole position for this years Sports Personality of the Year award for your efforts in the marathon? Oh sorry, I forgot, they only give it to someone who actually has a personality."
"You know what Teddy, your name is rapidly disappearing from my Christmas Card list. Or at least, it would be if had written one, or planned to send any."
"Do you see my point?"
"I don't send them on principle Teddy, they only make the card companies rich. Seriously though, who do you think should win this year?"
"Maybe your friend Lulu should be given it? Seeing as she is 'down with the cool kids' at the gym. Apparently all your friends speak to her there, and some have even thrown their cred to the wind, and added her on facebook."
"That's because they know she works with me. She is cool by association, Teddy."
"They feel incredibly sorry for her you mean."
"Maybe. But what do you reckon to the list?" Jonah picked up the copy of The Times (as befitted a man of his superior intellect) and studied the names in the article on the subject.
"Who the h*ll i's Jenson Button? With a name like that he sounds like a character from a kids' tv programme." Jonah said incredulously.
"Think he's a racing driver."
"Well that rules him out. I mean, all they do is sit behind the wheel of a car and drive really fast. Imagine the damage I'll be able to do when I get my hands on an Aston Martin."
"Remind me to bring a spare nappy. Hey, what about Andy Murray?"
"What, the angry Scottish kid? Do me a favour. He hasn't even won Wimbledon yet, and when he does he'll probably tell everyone he's Scottish, not British."
"Well we all know who you want to win, don't we Jonah? Not that you said anything about Jessica Ennis' personality when you had your shorts around your ankles, watching her win the heptathlon."
"It was a warm day. And yes, she did very well, coming back from injury and all that, but for me there's only one winner."
"And who might that be?"
"Well it's obvious isn't it? The man who was largely responsible for England's annexation of the Ashes. Andrew Strauss."
"Him? I thought he was a bit of a boring b*stard. He never went out on a massive bender and w**d in Gordon Brown's rose bushes like Freddie did four years ago."
"That's my point Teddy, he went about the job in a calm and collected manner. He single-handedly rescued the sinking ship that was the England team after the Moores-Pietersen imbroglio, and has led from the front with his batting. Forget Freddie's bowling at Lords; it was Strauss' century on the first day that set up England's first win there against the old enemy for 75 years."
It was Teddy's turn to look incredulous. "B***er me", he said. "This is actually turning into a serious word of the day, isn't it?"
"Well, he was turned down for the captaincy twice - both times to the wrong man. If I were him I'd have told the ECB to get stuffed, but he has been suitably magnanimous and done the job so far with great aplomb. And as titillating as it was to see Jessica win gold, the Ashes is the only thing any of our national teams have won this year that actually means anything. Why do you think the government wants the Ashes back on terrestrial TV?"
"F**k me Jonah," Teddy said, aghast. "For the first time I can't fault you. Let's hope everyone else thinks the same and votes for Straussy on Sunday."
"And don't forget," Jonah said, desperate to make his point. "A couple of years ago he was dropped from the team so instead of taking his bat home he went away, worked on his game and came back a better player. You don't do that without having some ticker."
"And he was the only player on either side to score two hundreds in the wonderful 2005 Ashes series."
"You know Teddy, it seems all my efforts to educate you have not been wasted. Now let's see if I can do the same to everyone else. VOTE ANDREW STRAUSS!!!"
"Actually, I think they should give it to Thierry Henry."
"Oh do be quiet Teddy."
"What do you mean?" Jonah asked, tucking into a large slize of pizza. As he had once again subjected himself to the weekly torture that is the track, unlike some of the people on the distribution list for this work of genius, he knew he deserved it.
"Surely you should be in pole position for this years Sports Personality of the Year award for your efforts in the marathon? Oh sorry, I forgot, they only give it to someone who actually has a personality."
"You know what Teddy, your name is rapidly disappearing from my Christmas Card list. Or at least, it would be if had written one, or planned to send any."
"Do you see my point?"
"I don't send them on principle Teddy, they only make the card companies rich. Seriously though, who do you think should win this year?"
"Maybe your friend Lulu should be given it? Seeing as she is 'down with the cool kids' at the gym. Apparently all your friends speak to her there, and some have even thrown their cred to the wind, and added her on facebook."
"That's because they know she works with me. She is cool by association, Teddy."
"They feel incredibly sorry for her you mean."
"Maybe. But what do you reckon to the list?" Jonah picked up the copy of The Times (as befitted a man of his superior intellect) and studied the names in the article on the subject.
"Who the h*ll i's Jenson Button? With a name like that he sounds like a character from a kids' tv programme." Jonah said incredulously.
"Think he's a racing driver."
"Well that rules him out. I mean, all they do is sit behind the wheel of a car and drive really fast. Imagine the damage I'll be able to do when I get my hands on an Aston Martin."
"Remind me to bring a spare nappy. Hey, what about Andy Murray?"
"What, the angry Scottish kid? Do me a favour. He hasn't even won Wimbledon yet, and when he does he'll probably tell everyone he's Scottish, not British."
"Well we all know who you want to win, don't we Jonah? Not that you said anything about Jessica Ennis' personality when you had your shorts around your ankles, watching her win the heptathlon."
"It was a warm day. And yes, she did very well, coming back from injury and all that, but for me there's only one winner."
"And who might that be?"
"Well it's obvious isn't it? The man who was largely responsible for England's annexation of the Ashes. Andrew Strauss."
"Him? I thought he was a bit of a boring b*stard. He never went out on a massive bender and w**d in Gordon Brown's rose bushes like Freddie did four years ago."
"That's my point Teddy, he went about the job in a calm and collected manner. He single-handedly rescued the sinking ship that was the England team after the Moores-Pietersen imbroglio, and has led from the front with his batting. Forget Freddie's bowling at Lords; it was Strauss' century on the first day that set up England's first win there against the old enemy for 75 years."
It was Teddy's turn to look incredulous. "B***er me", he said. "This is actually turning into a serious word of the day, isn't it?"
"Well, he was turned down for the captaincy twice - both times to the wrong man. If I were him I'd have told the ECB to get stuffed, but he has been suitably magnanimous and done the job so far with great aplomb. And as titillating as it was to see Jessica win gold, the Ashes is the only thing any of our national teams have won this year that actually means anything. Why do you think the government wants the Ashes back on terrestrial TV?"
"F**k me Jonah," Teddy said, aghast. "For the first time I can't fault you. Let's hope everyone else thinks the same and votes for Straussy on Sunday."
"And don't forget," Jonah said, desperate to make his point. "A couple of years ago he was dropped from the team so instead of taking his bat home he went away, worked on his game and came back a better player. You don't do that without having some ticker."
"And he was the only player on either side to score two hundreds in the wonderful 2005 Ashes series."
"You know Teddy, it seems all my efforts to educate you have not been wasted. Now let's see if I can do the same to everyone else. VOTE ANDREW STRAUSS!!!"
"Actually, I think they should give it to Thierry Henry."
"Oh do be quiet Teddy."
Apposite
"So what are you doing for Christmas Jonah?" Tallulah enquired.
"Going to Melksham for Christmas lunch," Jonah replied, unenthusiastically. "We're all going to a hotel. Dad is treating us."
"That'll be nice then won't it? I don't understand why you're not looking forward to Christmas."
"Well I'm not sure I can be a*sed with it," Jonah replied, his mood not brightening. "Family arguments and all that. Do you know, I'd be quite happy spending Christmas Day on my own."
"Oh No," Tallulah, Natalia and Tess said in unison. "You can't spend Christmas on your own!"
"Oh yes I can. And I very nearly did a couple of years ago, until some do-gooding intern dragged me off to spend Christmas Day with a bunch of bible-bashers. And besides, when Dad goes I'll be spending it on my own every year. Which will be quite apposite for a sad b*stard like me."
"Don't be silly," Tessa said. "I'm sure one day you'll get hitched."
"What, to one of the girls in Foxtrots? It's bad enough handing over all my spare cash every weekend, never mind my house and the rest of my possessions as well." Jonah thought for a moment about what a str*pper might do in a shared house in Old Town with a selection of Sugababes cds and 'adult' films, then decided it best not to. He had a whole pile of work to do back at his desk, and couldn't afford to take any 'extended breaks'.
"No Jonah, here's the thing." Natalia interjected. "You don't go to places like Foxtrots, instead you go to normal places, pubs, clubs, house parties and the like, and you meet normal people. That way you find a normal girl who's not young enough to be your daughter. You get her number, and a day or two later, you call her up and invite her out for dinner. If that goes well, you see each other a few more times then you embark on a relationship."
"And they all lived happily ever after." Jonah said sarcastically. "Only one flaw in that argument Natalia. The only person who invites me to house parties is you. And no offence, but the girls you invite don't tend to go for men like me. Or any men, come to that."
"He has a point, Natalia." Tessa said.
"I'll tell you what," Tallulah volunteered. "We'll all take Jonah on a night out in Swinetown. We're bound to bump into some of our single girlfriends, so we can introduce them to Jonah. By the end of the evening, he'll have a whole raft of telephone numbers and girls to choose from."
"We may even have to take a camera so as to remind Jonah what each of the girls looked like!" Tessa enthused.
"Sounds great!" Jonah said, his gloom suddenly lifting. "And can I bring Teddy?"
"Who's Teddy?" The girls said in unison. "Is he your lodger?"
"Err no...I'll tell you what...I'll get back to you on the night out...I'd better get back to work..."
"Just can't help some people." Tallulah said, shaking her head.
"Going to Melksham for Christmas lunch," Jonah replied, unenthusiastically. "We're all going to a hotel. Dad is treating us."
"That'll be nice then won't it? I don't understand why you're not looking forward to Christmas."
"Well I'm not sure I can be a*sed with it," Jonah replied, his mood not brightening. "Family arguments and all that. Do you know, I'd be quite happy spending Christmas Day on my own."
"Oh No," Tallulah, Natalia and Tess said in unison. "You can't spend Christmas on your own!"
"Oh yes I can. And I very nearly did a couple of years ago, until some do-gooding intern dragged me off to spend Christmas Day with a bunch of bible-bashers. And besides, when Dad goes I'll be spending it on my own every year. Which will be quite apposite for a sad b*stard like me."
"Don't be silly," Tessa said. "I'm sure one day you'll get hitched."
"What, to one of the girls in Foxtrots? It's bad enough handing over all my spare cash every weekend, never mind my house and the rest of my possessions as well." Jonah thought for a moment about what a str*pper might do in a shared house in Old Town with a selection of Sugababes cds and 'adult' films, then decided it best not to. He had a whole pile of work to do back at his desk, and couldn't afford to take any 'extended breaks'.
"No Jonah, here's the thing." Natalia interjected. "You don't go to places like Foxtrots, instead you go to normal places, pubs, clubs, house parties and the like, and you meet normal people. That way you find a normal girl who's not young enough to be your daughter. You get her number, and a day or two later, you call her up and invite her out for dinner. If that goes well, you see each other a few more times then you embark on a relationship."
"And they all lived happily ever after." Jonah said sarcastically. "Only one flaw in that argument Natalia. The only person who invites me to house parties is you. And no offence, but the girls you invite don't tend to go for men like me. Or any men, come to that."
"He has a point, Natalia." Tessa said.
"I'll tell you what," Tallulah volunteered. "We'll all take Jonah on a night out in Swinetown. We're bound to bump into some of our single girlfriends, so we can introduce them to Jonah. By the end of the evening, he'll have a whole raft of telephone numbers and girls to choose from."
"We may even have to take a camera so as to remind Jonah what each of the girls looked like!" Tessa enthused.
"Sounds great!" Jonah said, his gloom suddenly lifting. "And can I bring Teddy?"
"Who's Teddy?" The girls said in unison. "Is he your lodger?"
"Err no...I'll tell you what...I'll get back to you on the night out...I'd better get back to work..."
"Just can't help some people." Tallulah said, shaking her head.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Salad Days
"Well Teddy," Jonah said, placing two mugs of cocoa on the coffee table. "That was an interesting day out wasn't it?"
"Yes it was." Teddy agreed. "I bet you're glad you took me along otherwise you wouldn't have felt right on the coach back, sleeping on your own, would you?"
"Probably not."
"And the girls on the seat opposite thought you looked really cute, sucking your thumb."
"Eh?"
"Just kidding. Seriously, it must have been quite an eye-opener for you seeing how much Brum has changed since you left your alma mater."
"It was. I mean, the bull ring was nothing like that. Those malls weren't there in my day."
"Yes, and there's street lighting and motorised transport there now as well."
"Ha bl**dy ha Teddy. But Aston University didn't seem to have changed much."
"Except when you were there they didn't have creepy old men wandering round campus and going up and down in the lifts."
"I just wanted to have a look round ok? Those lifts were very space age in my day."
"So were pop videos."
"That's true. But going to the pub on campus was the biggest eye opener for me."
"How come? It still has the same name, and you said the decor hadn't changed much either."
"Yes but in my day it was always full of p*ssed up students like me playing drinking games. Now the barmaid won't serve anyone under 21, and so the place is full of builders. Very sad I thought. I mean, what's the point of going to Uni if you don't spend all your time in the pub getting drunk?"
"Well, for some Jona-thon, going to Uni is about working hard, getting a good degree instead of a 'Desmond Tutu' and then when you leave, getting a decent job that not only challenges you mentally but also actually pays enough money to live properly."
"You may have a point there Teddy," Jonah said plaintively as the electricity supply in his house suddenly ceased due to non-payment. "Oh well, even though I'm living on the breadline at least I can reminisce about my salad days."
"You're having a laugh," Teddy guffawed. "Salad days, you? You look like you've spent most of your life dodging the ****ing things mate. Which is why you won't be going sub-50 minutes at the Bromham 10k tomorrow."
"No Teddy, it'll be because I spent all of today on my feet. And besides, I always eat the salad that comes in my kebab."
"Yes it was." Teddy agreed. "I bet you're glad you took me along otherwise you wouldn't have felt right on the coach back, sleeping on your own, would you?"
"Probably not."
"And the girls on the seat opposite thought you looked really cute, sucking your thumb."
"Eh?"
"Just kidding. Seriously, it must have been quite an eye-opener for you seeing how much Brum has changed since you left your alma mater."
"It was. I mean, the bull ring was nothing like that. Those malls weren't there in my day."
"Yes, and there's street lighting and motorised transport there now as well."
"Ha bl**dy ha Teddy. But Aston University didn't seem to have changed much."
"Except when you were there they didn't have creepy old men wandering round campus and going up and down in the lifts."
"I just wanted to have a look round ok? Those lifts were very space age in my day."
"So were pop videos."
"That's true. But going to the pub on campus was the biggest eye opener for me."
"How come? It still has the same name, and you said the decor hadn't changed much either."
"Yes but in my day it was always full of p*ssed up students like me playing drinking games. Now the barmaid won't serve anyone under 21, and so the place is full of builders. Very sad I thought. I mean, what's the point of going to Uni if you don't spend all your time in the pub getting drunk?"
"Well, for some Jona-thon, going to Uni is about working hard, getting a good degree instead of a 'Desmond Tutu' and then when you leave, getting a decent job that not only challenges you mentally but also actually pays enough money to live properly."
"You may have a point there Teddy," Jonah said plaintively as the electricity supply in his house suddenly ceased due to non-payment. "Oh well, even though I'm living on the breadline at least I can reminisce about my salad days."
"You're having a laugh," Teddy guffawed. "Salad days, you? You look like you've spent most of your life dodging the ****ing things mate. Which is why you won't be going sub-50 minutes at the Bromham 10k tomorrow."
"No Teddy, it'll be because I spent all of today on my feet. And besides, I always eat the salad that comes in my kebab."
Friday, 4 December 2009
Pantheon
In the first of a series of Yuletide specials, Jonah and Teddy discuss their favourite Christmas songs.
"You really are a hypocrite, you know that don't you?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well you're always saying how much you hate Christmas and giving it all that 'Bah Humbug' nonsense, but it's only the fourth of December and you've put the Christmas tree up." Teddy explained.
"Err, not really Teddy, I just arranged all those empty Stella bottles into the shape of a tree because there was nowhere else to put them. The recycling boxes are full, someone keeps filling them up with magazines they bought for tuppence on E-bay."
"Oh right. Well, it's not just that. Every morning you come down and turn the tv on and tune straight into Christmas songs on VH1 or whatever."
"The reason for that, Teddy, is that there is ch*ff-all else on the music channels and until England start playing the tests, watching India scoring 300 for 1 on a featherbed pitch is akin to watching paint dry."
"Pull the other one," Teddy laughed. "You've been spending too long reading Atherton's columns in the Times, as usual. You know, I reckon you like some of these songs."
"What like bl**dy Last Christmas by Wham? The reason I don't smoke is because I'd probably throw the ashtray at the tv every time that s*dding song comes on. Makes me want to vomit I tell you."
"Me too and I'm only a stuffed toy."
"And as for Merry Christmas Everbody that should be banned from the airwaves this year if you ask me. Like someone who has lost their job, had their house repossessed and seen their kids put into care is going to be 'having fun' and 'looking to the future'." Jonah was becoming increasingly passionate about this subject.
"No, and you won't be 'hanging a stocking on the wall' either will you? Although there's every chance one might stick to the wall."
"Shut it!"
"Alright, alright. But you must admit, some of these are quite catchy."
"Well, Fairy Tale of New York is pretty good. Although A New England is still Kirsty MacColl's best work."
"That's one of the best Christmas songs." Teddy concurred. "Even your friend Lulu says so."
"I know. And what about that one about Stopping the Cavalry?"
"Ah yes, Jona Lewie. And he spells his name without an 'h' so you've been spelling it wrong all this time I reckon."
"Alright." Jonah sighed. "And what else shall we place in the pantheon of great Christmas songs? I reckon Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses."
"That's good too. But I still think 2000 Miles by the Pretenders is the best Christmas song ever."
"You know Teddy, I think we've finally agreed on something. Cheers." Jonah raised his glass and took a sip of (3 bottles for £10 in Tescos) Cava.
There was a knock on the door. Elena entered.
"Hello Jonah, I found something in one of my drawers. I think you must have left it." She said passing Jonah an enormous 16-cd pack entitled "The Best Christmas Songs Ever".
"Don't say anything." Jonah sighed.
"You really are a hypocrite, you know that don't you?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well you're always saying how much you hate Christmas and giving it all that 'Bah Humbug' nonsense, but it's only the fourth of December and you've put the Christmas tree up." Teddy explained.
"Err, not really Teddy, I just arranged all those empty Stella bottles into the shape of a tree because there was nowhere else to put them. The recycling boxes are full, someone keeps filling them up with magazines they bought for tuppence on E-bay."
"Oh right. Well, it's not just that. Every morning you come down and turn the tv on and tune straight into Christmas songs on VH1 or whatever."
"The reason for that, Teddy, is that there is ch*ff-all else on the music channels and until England start playing the tests, watching India scoring 300 for 1 on a featherbed pitch is akin to watching paint dry."
"Pull the other one," Teddy laughed. "You've been spending too long reading Atherton's columns in the Times, as usual. You know, I reckon you like some of these songs."
"What like bl**dy Last Christmas by Wham? The reason I don't smoke is because I'd probably throw the ashtray at the tv every time that s*dding song comes on. Makes me want to vomit I tell you."
"Me too and I'm only a stuffed toy."
"And as for Merry Christmas Everbody that should be banned from the airwaves this year if you ask me. Like someone who has lost their job, had their house repossessed and seen their kids put into care is going to be 'having fun' and 'looking to the future'." Jonah was becoming increasingly passionate about this subject.
"No, and you won't be 'hanging a stocking on the wall' either will you? Although there's every chance one might stick to the wall."
"Shut it!"
"Alright, alright. But you must admit, some of these are quite catchy."
"Well, Fairy Tale of New York is pretty good. Although A New England is still Kirsty MacColl's best work."
"That's one of the best Christmas songs." Teddy concurred. "Even your friend Lulu says so."
"I know. And what about that one about Stopping the Cavalry?"
"Ah yes, Jona Lewie. And he spells his name without an 'h' so you've been spelling it wrong all this time I reckon."
"Alright." Jonah sighed. "And what else shall we place in the pantheon of great Christmas songs? I reckon Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses."
"That's good too. But I still think 2000 Miles by the Pretenders is the best Christmas song ever."
"You know Teddy, I think we've finally agreed on something. Cheers." Jonah raised his glass and took a sip of (3 bottles for £10 in Tescos) Cava.
There was a knock on the door. Elena entered.
"Hello Jonah, I found something in one of my drawers. I think you must have left it." She said passing Jonah an enormous 16-cd pack entitled "The Best Christmas Songs Ever".
"Don't say anything." Jonah sighed.
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